I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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