My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
