Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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