apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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