I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
