You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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