my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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