Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
