never play flip cup with pint glasses
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
