If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
