i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
