i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize