yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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