So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize