i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
