just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
