I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I could fuck to npr.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
