I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
