I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
