..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
