dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
