when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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