Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
