she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
