after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize