You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
