I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
