Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
