i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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