literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
