Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
