I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
