Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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