I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
