Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
