I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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