he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
