Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
