dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
