Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
