So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
