I think I died a long time ago.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
