i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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