didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
