The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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