Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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