I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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