I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize