First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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