my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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