I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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