i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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