guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
