I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
