Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
