i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
