If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
