I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
