Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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