i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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