sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
